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September 27, 2005

Cocoa Puffs and Lady Lumps

“Mom, when can we buy Cocoa Puffs for breakfast?” Porter asked this morning, as everyone was getting ready for school. This is a common question in the Glamore household.

“When you find a nicer mom who’s willing to buy you Cocoa Puffs for breakfast,” I said, like I do almost every morning.

“That’s never gonna happen,” Porter sighed.

Talking about the cereal reminded me that I had a new song about Cocoa Puffs on my iPod. It would be fun to have a little dance party before school.

I surveyed the boys. Miraculously, everyone was completely dressed, including shoes. Their backpacks were packed, and all three were eating breakfast. We were running on time.

“Hey guys, I’ve got a cool song for you to hear,” I said. “I’ll get my iPod,” I added as I turned to get it from the bedroom.

Just then, fate intervened. There was a crash as Drew dropped his bowl of grits and burst into tears. As I threw Drew a dishtowel, Finn looked up from the table where he was perusing the lunch menu.

“Gross,” he shouted. “We’re having barbecue at school. I’m taking my lunch.”

“Me, too,” said Porter.

“Not me,” Drew sniffed. “I love love love barbecue!”

I looked at the clock. We weren’t on time any more.

“Finn and Porter, you have three minutes to make a lunch and pack it up,” I announced. “Chatty Mom will be here in four minutes. And don’t forget to clean up your breakfast.”

I stood back as Porter and Finn emptied the contents of the refrigerator onto the counter and whipped up sandwiches. Within moments, Chatty Mom honked her horn and the boys were gone. I was left in the kitchen with a cold cup of coffee and blobs of grape jelly on the counter. As I was scrubbing the jelly spots, I realized we hadn’t gotten to dance to the Cocoa Puffs song.

You may be wondering how I ended up with a song about Cocoa Puffs on my iPod. There’s a simple explanation. Last Saturday night at girls’ night, one of my friends played the new Black Eyed Peas CD, Monkey Business.

I was already familiar with “Don’t Lie” and “Don’t Phunk With My Heart.” They’re great songs, and hopefully we’ll be shaking our derrieres to at least one of them in Jazzercise soon.

As we chatted and sipped our wine, I heard a new song off the album. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the words, but I noticed that in one verse, one of the men sang about Cocoa Puffs. That caught my attention immediately. The boys beg for Cocoa Puffs every time we go to the store, but I can’t let them have chocolate for breakfast and feel like I’m a decent mother, so I’ve placed a moratorium on that particular cereal.

But singing about Cocoa Puffs would certainly be permissible. The song had an infectious beat , so I borrowed the CD to upload it to my iPod. I figured that the boys would get a kick out of singing about Cocoa Puffs even if they couldn’t eat them.

Once the boys had left for school and the dance party opportunity was over, it occurred to me that to be on the safe side, perhaps I should get on the computer and check Lyrics on Demand to make sure the song was appropriate.

So I did. I had to look at the lyrics several times. First I had to convince myself that the words I was reading were actually the song I had come to think of fondly as “The Cocoa Puffs Song.” I had to read it twice more before I found the Cocoa Puffs reference buried deep within the fifth section of the song.

The song wasn’t about Cocoa Puffs at all. It was about sex, and lots of it. It included phrases such as:

“what you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?” and

“My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps (check it out)” and

“I mix your milk with my Cocoa Puff.”

It took me a while to recover from the shock of seeing the lyrics written out. I cringed at the thought of how close I had come to blasting the song in the kitchen during our morning meal.

When I had finished cussing myself for being an idiot as well as a bad mom, I used my skills as an English major to analyze the lyrics dealing specifically with Cocoa Puffs. I concluded that the singer was not talking about cereal at all, but was speaking metaphorically.

Now, you might be more worried about the “junk in the trunk” lyrics than the cereal lyrics, but we’re way ahead of you in the Glamore family. The phrase “junk in the trunk” has been around for quite a while, and we’ve encountered it in otherwise perfectly appropriate songs before.

The first time the Finn asked me about the phrase, I decided not to lie, but not to exactly tell the truth, either. That is why the twins, at least, still believe that “junk in the trunk” refers to jumper cables, umbrellas, smelly athletic shoes, improperly folded maps, and the baseball glove you’ve been looking for and need for this afternoon’s practice.

Finn bought the explanation for a long time, but then wondered why everyone always talked about Jennifer Lopez having junk in the trunk when he never even saw her driving. He pointed out that she was always walking the red carpet wearing a fancy dress, with no car or jumper cables in sight. Faced with his logic, I let him in on the true meaning of the phrase, and swore him to secrecy.

What a close call! I cannot fathom how I would have explained “lovely lady lumps” and the rest of the words to three inquisitive boys so early in the morning. I have spent much of the day thanking God for the fact the cafeteria was serving barbecue today, or I would have been in a hell of a mess.

We’re going to stay far, far away from Cocoa Puffs and Black Eyed Peas until I recover.

To analyze the Cocoa Puffs song (otherwise known as “My Humps,” which should have clued me in, and surely would have if I had consumed more coffee before proposing the dance party), click here.

Posted by Anne Glamore @ 8:39 am • Music: Give Me A Beat!   

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14 Responses to “Cocoa Puffs and Lady Lumps”

  1. I seriously love your explanation of junk in the trunk. Beautiful.

  2. PERFECT! I hope I can steal the “junk in the trunk” explanation for my lyrically afflicted six year old. 🙂

  3. Yep, your definition is way better than Sir Mix A Lot

  4. I love that explanation as well. As for the song — guess we won’t be hearing that one on Radio Disney! 🙂 I mean, what can you expect from a group when “Let’s Get it Started” was originally entitled “Let’s Get Retarded”? The group decided it was “a little too offensive” and rewrote it.

    It’s disturbing to hear small kids singing songs that are WAY too inappropriate for them. One of my kindergarteners was singing “Hollaback Girl” in the lunch line this morning. Luckily, all she knew was “I ain’t no hollaback girl…”

    (PS — *love* your new look!)

  5. I all I can say is that this sh@#t is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s! Also….I like me some lovely lady lumps! Is that even legal? Somebody get me a dictionay quick or a kindergartner so I know what the heck I am talking about! 🙂

  6. I had the same problem with Maroon 5’s “Songs About Jane” album, which my boys love, but I held my breath during “I tried my best to keep her satisfied, keep her coming every night”. I even had an explanation ready-um, he wants her to keep coming over to his house every night, yeah, that’s it!

  7. Ha ha- I just heard this song in the car and I kept thinking of this post. That’s hilarious!

  8. I went through the same exact thing with “Let’s Get Retarded”–check those lyrics they’re a hoot. Most of theradio I listen to, due to always having Bella with me, is XM Kids…so, of course, I’d only heard the “radio edit” version. Anyway, Bella loved the song on XM Kids, so I thought I’d buy it…imagine my surprise. Besides “getting retarded” you’re encouraged to “get stupid” and “disengage your brain.” Like we need more of THAT in America right now.

    And I still want Finn to marry my daughter. Let’s talk. I can offer a dowry rich in livestock, poodles, and poke sallet.

  9. This is one of the songs that makes me squirmy when I listen to it with my 12 and 14-year-olds. Like 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop.” And I’m not the kind of stepmom that makes them turn the radio station at their age. They’re going to hear it anyway, so I want them to hear it with me- then we sort of analyze it in a teenish way. And “lovely lady lumps” has been analyzed by us several times now…

  10. […] (** You may wonder why I condone Froot Loops for the boys when I don’t let them eat Cocoa Puffs and the reason is that my mom let us eat the former, but never the latter, and we turned out okay.) […]

  11. […] years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Cocoa Puffs and Lady Lumps  Posted by Anne Glamore @ 8:10 am • Beat-Up Boys: Stitches and Such, Those Crazy Kids, Field […]

  12. […] written about the rap music before, including the awful lyrics to “Low” and “My Humps” and the fact that I let Finn teach me the Soulja Boy […]

  13. […] years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Cocoa Puffs and Lady Lumps (in which I explain exactly what “junk in the trunk” […]

  14. […] When they got old enough to understand cusses, I had to cut out the Buzzcocks and Eminem and “My Humps“, but overall they got a solid foundation of a variety of musical […]

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I'm Anne Glamore, wife, mother, lawyer and blogger. I have three boys, and I'm desperately trying to train them to become Southern gentlemen, but that may be an unrealistic goal. At this point I'd be ecstatic if they'd quit farting at the dinner table. If you're new here, check out the Readers' Favorite Posts below or browse through the Categories. I write about my attempts to teach the boys about peckers and sex (which we call "making googly eyes"), my struggles with hepatitis C and spine surgery, the boys' adventures with fire and pets, my mom's death from ovarian cancer, my love of cooking (with plenty of recipes) and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me on Twitter or StumbleUpon or Email me. I'm happy to speak to your group or club.

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