Fashion: Turn To The Left!

What Not To Wear: In Bed

Anne Glamore has been married almost thirteen years. Just recently, her husband Bill decided that it would be nice if she started sleeping in sexy pajamas rather than the ratty separates she favors. Join us as we help Anne discover her bedtime fashion vixen!

Scene 1: Reviewing Anne’s Pajamas

Bill: Anyone can see that these are not technically pajamas. These are ancient shirts and sweaters. Anne puts on more than she takes off to go to bed. You’d think we lived in Alaska.

Anne: Nights can be chilly in Central Alabama. Plus, my husband is a cover stealer. I have to be warm at night or I get grouchy. When it comes to sleepwear, my philosophy is simple. I don’t want anything itchy or cold. I hate long nightgowns because they get all tangled up between my legs. That’s why I sleep in a shirt and pants.

Bill: Let’s look at the apparel Anne has slept in the last few nights.

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Bill: Frankly, I think we can all agree that these outfits do nothing for you. There’s a shapely woman hiding under all that drab old fabric, and we need to let her out. But wait, why don’t you explain to me what you were thinking when you put these on?

Anne: I wasn’t thinking anything except maybe “Thank God the boys are finally asleep and I can get in bed.” I got the first shirt in New Orleans when my friends and I went to see Garbage and No Doubt and there was a cold spell– the temperature plummeted to 63 and I wasn’t prepared. Those pants are my Snugglebutts which are very warm and extremely comfy. I realize they don’t show off my figure but honestly, that’s the last thing on my mind late at night.

I got the gray sweater at Express a long time ago. It has a hole under one armpit, so it breathes well. It’s always nice to sleep in a shirt that represents your U, so I put on the Virginia shirt just to say “Wahoowa!” before I get in bed. I got the other two pair of pants cheap at Target.

Bill: Lovely. I hope you didn’t pay more than 99 cents for all six pieces, because that’s what they look like they’re worth. Now let’s take a look at the back of that New Orleans shirt:

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Bill: Whoa, are those skulls? Those would not seem to be conducive to a good night’s sleep.

Anne: Well, they are, but they’re happy skulls. And the shirt is really soft.

Bill: Now, I realize you don’t wear quite that much clothing to bed during the summer. Let’s take a peek at your warm weather PJ’s.

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Bill: I’m getting a definite theme here. You must think that sleeping in music T-shirts makes you cool, because I’m telling you, it sure doesn’t make you sexy.

Anne: It’s not a question of coolness. Where else can I wear them? A mom can’t just waltz into Publix wearing a Garbage T-shirt. Other moms might not let their kids come over and play.

Bill: Really? You’ve been going to their concerts all these years. Maybe I should examine the members of Garbage more closely.

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Bill: Agh!! Shirley Manson scares me.

Anne: Shut up. She’s awesome. And that guy on the far right is Butch Vig. He may look scary, but he’s a great drummer and he produced Nirvana’s “Nevermind.” I got his autograph last time I saw Garbage.

Bill: Between the skulls and Shirley, I think you’re wearing some scary shit to bed. I can’t believe I’ve been sleeping next to these weirdos all these years.

Most importantly, honey, none of these outfits is flattering. You’ve got a great body and a lot to work with. I understand that you’re concerned with being warm and comfortable. With that in mind, I’ve pulled together some evening ensembles that are attractive and feel good on the skin.

Anne: (Rolls eyes)

Scene 2: Bill Shows Anne What Not To Wear

Bill: Shopping for pajamas may seem easy. Actually it is more difficult than you think. Here are two outfits that would seem to be flattering, but that you should avoid. First is the token black negligee.

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Bill: This look would be good on many women. In fact, it looks pretty fabulous on this mannequin. However, you need at least a full A cup to pull off this look and you just don’t have it. Ladies with tiny titties should avoid a look that needs some cleavage, and instead place the focus on other parts of their bodies.

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Anne: Ooh, I love those colors.

Bill: Well, the colors are fine, but honestly, this outfit does not register on my peter meter. It’s new, and it’s soft, but it doesn’t show off your butt or your legs. This would be good to wear on a weekend with the ladies, but your man is not going to be so impressed. Plus, the mannequin gives this outfit some bosoms, but you wouldn’t fill it out like that.

Anne: I think I’ve heard enough critique about my breasts now, honey.

Bill: Don’t be discouraged. We’re going to shine some light on your ass and your nights will never be the same.

Anne: But I’ll still get to sleep, won’t I? Is this All About You  or is it a real attempt to help me help myself?

Bill: (pretends not to hear)

Scene 3: Bill Shows Anne What To Wear

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Bill: On the left, I found a lovely lacy seafoam tank at Victoria’s Secret. Notice that it’s not trying to say, “I have a huge rack.” In fact, a woman with a huge rack couldn’t fit into this tank. The floral boy short is accented with a bow at the front. The bow is very important– it draws the eye down–

Anne: What do you mean, “the eye?” Who all is checking me out in this?

Bill: Okay, it draws my eye down to your strongest areas, like your flat tummy, your gorgeous legs, and the exciting tattoo that peeks out just above the waist line.

But you don’t have to limit yourself to the boy short. On the right you see a Hanky Panky thong which is also stylish.

Anne: Honey, thongs crawl up your butt. That’s not comfortable.

Bill: The saleslady said these were the most comfortable thongs out there.

Anne: That’s like saying Pol Pot was the nicest dictator ever. Thongs travel. Up.

Bill: Just give it a try before you rule it out, because it’s hot. Anyway, the top I paired with this is what I call a “redundant” tank. It says, “Sexy Little Thing” but that’s redundant, because I already know that about you! (hoots with laughter)

Anne: As I feared, you are nothing but a horny man disguised as a style consultant.

Final Scene: Anne Goes Shopping

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Anne: For my first outfit, I chose a “redundant” tank that is perfect for the small-chested woman. I paired it with some panties that are actually comfortable and have the bow that seems to get Bill so fired up.

Bill: Me likee!

Anne: Next I found a stretchy brown camisole and boyshort set. It’s edged in lace but the lace is soft, so I figured I could stand it if it makes my husband happy. The mannequin has more of a waist than I do. When I wear this, my tattoo peeks out enticingly from between the panties and the top.

Bill: (touching fabric) Wowza!

Anne: This last outfit is for cold nights when I want to look my best but need some coverage. It’s a silky lace dress with long sleeves. I put a pair of black lace underwear with it.

Bill: See-through lace is always a good fashion choice.

Anne: Finally, although I am not a thong fan, I did buy this inexpensive sassy one for recreational purposes only.

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Bill: I think you did a fine job of following the fashion rules and buying nightwear that will be comfortable and flattering at the same time.

Anne: If I get cold at night, I’m going to wake you up and tell you about it. And I’m throwing out all your nasty undershirts first thing tomorrow.

(Theme music starts and credits roll)