Boys: Demented & Dangerous

George W. and Porter: BFF!

Porter and George Bush have become pen pals. Imagine my dismay when I found out.

You’ll recall that I was worried about Porter’s actions earlier this fall, when I feared he was spying for the government. Now I have proof he’s gone even farther and is writing the President directly. So far the President’s correspondence hasn’t made him appear any smarter than his speeches or actions do.

Porter first wrote W. before Christmas. I was dimly aware of the activity but refused to encourage it. Bill was the one who located the stamp and wrote out the White House address for Porter to copy.

pletter1

Dear President Bush When is your
Birthday? My Birthday
is August 14 I have a twin too.
Do you go for Auburn or Alabama?
I go for Auburn!
Merry Chistmas!
December, 19 2006
Love, Porter

I’ll say one thing– George wasted no time mailing a reply. In fact, his spies were watching our house so closely that his answer was apparently typed before Porter’s note made it to the mailbox. Who says Bush is slow to react? Not the Glamores.
gwbletter

Although he addressed Porter by name, George exhibited one of his less admirable attributes in his letter. Rather than responding to the questions that Porter had painstakingly written on the page, he chose to tackle another topic completely and pretended that Porter had invited him to visit his school, despite the fact that nothing resembling such an invitation had been issued. I certainly don’t want to host the President and his entourage here. I can barely get the guest room clean for Aunt Lulu when she visits, and I like her.

Porter was crestfallen. I’m cynical and used to this administration reading documents and completely dismissing their contents. However, it’s one thing to disregard the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations and another thing entirely to ignore an eight-year-old’s simple questions. If possible, George’s treatment of my child made me dislike him even more. So which is it, Mr. President, Alabama or Auburn?

Porter’s initial huffiness was more easily remedied than mine, as President Bush had included a large photo of himself and Laura smiling beatifically into the distance.
gwbpic
Porter was so thrilled with the “personalized” note and photo that he wrote the President again.

pletter2

Dear President Bush
You are a good Presid
ent and I thank
you are Doing great
!!!!!!!!

Porter was extremely proud of this second missive and brought it into the bedroom one night as Bill and I were reading.

Bill read it and said, “Wow, you and the President are getting to be good friends, aren’t you?”

“We are,” Porter replied. “I never had a pen pal before but it’s fun to have a famous one. Do you think he’ll invite me to spend the night?”

“Don’t get your hopes up, because he’s really busy these days, but that would be cool if he did, wouldn’t it?” Bill asked.

“Cool, my ass,” I muttered into my New Yorker.

Bill handed me the note.

“That’s beautifully written, Porter,” I told him. “I definitely think you should send it. The President probably doesn’t hear such nice compliments very often.”
Porter took the note and came back a few minutes later with it addressed.

“Can you mail it for me, Mom?”

“I’ll be happy too,” I said half-heartedly, and then I kissed him good night.

Mailing the letter wasn’t at the top of my list of things to do, but it fell even further the day after the President’s State of the Union Address, when I came into the den and saw this:

ppixtv

I called Bill, who had watched the speech with Porter, and learned that Porter had set up a shrine of pictures and correspondence while he worshiped at the altar of bullshit and obfuscation.

I mailed the letter anyway. I suppose Porter has a lifetime to become disillusioned. It’s not a mother’s job to hasten the process.

34 Comments

  • Genevieve

    LOL! The jab about the President not receiving such nice compliments very often got a chuckle from me, although the “shrine” was the highlight of your story! On the other hand, I was happy to hear that Porter is an Auburn fan. No disillusionment there! War Eagle!

  • Vanessa

    I wrote to President Carter when I was about Porter’s age. I still remember the White House guidebook that came with the reply, complete with photos of Amy playing on the lawn in her Holly Hobbie-esque ’70s dresses. Good times.

  • Sue

    It’s so hard when kids start hanging with the wrong crowd. Scary, too, when you think of all the terrible paths they can be led down by bad friends. You need to find a better crowd for Porter–one with a strong moral code and a public service attitude.

    How about encouraging him to collect letters from ex-Presidents like Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton? Maybe he could write to all the Democratic Presidential contenders, too. That way you can be enthusiastic about their merits without slamming his present “friend.” You know how badly that can turn out with a kid.

    If it all goes bad on you, perhaps there are Republican Recovery groups that he could attend. Something with a twelve step program back to humanity.

    My sympathies to you. Parenting is not easy.

  • alala

    Wow. I admire your fortitude. I think you did the right thing, and for the right reasons, but I would have had a really hard time suppressing the urge to lecture. You’re an awesome mom.

  • Laura

    Don’t despair. I organized a city-wide card drive for a past president that shall remain nameless but whom descended into history as a really, really bad president. Now I’m a full-on lefty. Apparently that whole “as the twig is bent, so grows the tree” thing doesn’t work for politics…

  • Ana

    I just saw your comment on my blog. You will love Lisbon, and the kids will have a great time. You must go to the Castle, take a walk alongside the river in Belém, see the Belém Tower. If you want me to, I can make a list of restaurants you can go to. Let me know if you do.

    Ana

  • Monica

    The ‘altar of bullshit and obfuscation’ is classic. I must remember to use that line in my Public Policy Process class.

  • Lauren

    Your kids are way ahead of me. The only famous people I sent letters to when I was Porter’s age were one of the New Kids on the Block and Chad Allen (from the tv show Our House.)

  • Karin Blue

    This is funny. Porter is only 8-years old if I remember correctly, so he is at the age of looking up to “important people”. You are right to allow him to have his shrine at this age. Tape this and save these pictures, this will make a funny
    story at his wedding rehearsal.

  • Runmt31

    Although I do like our president, obviously one of the few ;), I appreciate the fact that you don’t discourage your child from thinking differently at this point in his life. I’ll need to remember that when my son is old enough to start writing letters to famous ones! You are a great mom Anne!

  • Leeny

    Oh, this is too funny! But poor Porter! My gosh, couldn’t someone in the White House at least have addressed his questions? Geez, talk about disillusionment!

  • Shell

    I’m actually impressed that he got a reply at all, let alone a glossy picture. And while this administration and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, I think it’s sweet that Porter is so interested in the President and that a kid his age watched the speech. It’s better than apathy any day.

  • Karyn

    Oh holy crap.

    When I stop sniggering, I plan to come up with an appropriate comment, but for now, I have to go stand over the sink and hork tea out of my nose because I am laughing so hard.

  • Jenny

    Oh you poor, poor thing.

    I constantly throw subliminal messages at Hailey…”Republicans cause cancer” and “Democrats get to stay up late and eat ice cream”.

    So far it’s working.

  • Karin Blue

    As a matter of fact there IS intelligent life in OUR Tiny Kingdom. However, I must admit that there were sooooo many “W” stickers on the back of the giant SUV’s a few years ago, but they are gone now.

  • Gidge

    My grandmother was a republican hotshot in the little corner of the world where she lived. I shit you not she had 20 christmas cards from the Dick Lugar family FRAMED…..you could see the progression of his family though, which was hilarious. Oh look There’s Dick and Char with the kids, oh look one of the boys got married….oh look, this year one of the boys married a trampy looking girl with a kid already (SHOCKING!), oh now this year the trampy looking girl has a more conservative suit on and they’ve toned down that drugstore blonde hair and THEY’VE HAD A BABY…….and so on.

    Sick but hilarious. I wish I had the damn things they’d be blog fodder for weeks.

    Totally keep these missisves back and forth- who KNEW the prez answered letters? Answered them poorly, but answered them nonetheless.

    They are a riot. Do you think that this is our foreign policy problem? He’s spending WAY too much time misreading fanmail?

  • Keith Wareton

    That is five minutes I’ll never get back. I honestly feel sorry for you and especially your children.

  • Kristin

    When we came home from China with our daughter we received a letter from W. welcoming her as “Our country’s newest American”… I suppose it would have been nice to frame it or at least stick in her baby books… but, um, I think it may have gotten lost? In a drawer? Or the trash?

  • Kelly

    Anne, you handled that so well! I hope I can deal with things as well as you do if my kids turn out to be fans of, say, Bill O’Reilly. *gasp!*

  • Tiny Kingdom Friend

    Hi Anne,

    I know a guy who was killed shortly into the first Gulf War sixteen years ago. He gave his life to defeat Saddam Hussein. I can’t tell you how upset I was when George H. W. Bush quit before the job was done and left Hussein in power. We are there today, and more of our brave soldiers are giving their lives, because we did not finish the job in 1991.

    Unlike his father, George W. Bush wants us to WIN. If we pull out again before the job is done, who is to say that a few years down the road we won’t have to go back. The next time it may be with our kids. I don’t want that to happen.

  • Nic

    Hilarious. Can’t stop laughing!
    Despite his choice of pen-pals, your son has very well associated the man with his accesoire: I couldn’t have thought of a more appropriate shrine.