Deep Thoughts,  Feeling Crotchety,  Glamorous Escapades

The Boulder On My Shoulder

I was standing in a lengthy line for the ladies’ room. I had to pee so bad I was crossing my legs and standing on my tip-toes, cursing the extra cup of coffee I’d had.   The door to the men’s room opened, and a man walked out.  I looked at the pregnant woman behind me.

“I’ll watch the door for you if you want to use the other restroom,” I offered.

She dashed inside.

A pudgy teen ambled up to the men’s restroom.  “Someone’s in there,” I volunteered.

He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall.  His jeans drooped below his waist and puddled over his shoes.  His hair was kinky-curly and obscured most of his face.  The Circle Jerks design on his t shirt was so faded I could barely make it out.

The bathroom door opened and the pregnant woman came out.  “Thanks,” she said.

“Apparently your big belly interferes with your ability to read,” the teenager sneered, as he rudely pushed passed her.

I was in shock, but not for long.

“Look here,” I said, blocking his way into the bathroom.  “Women spend their lives standing in line to use the toilet.   Men rarely have to wait.  It’s one of the benefits of having a penis, and you should be thankful, not rude.”

He ignored me and went into the restroom.

“And that’s not all!” I yelled at the door.

“You don’t know the misery of squatting over a dirty toilet with a purse in one hand and a coat in the other, hurriedly trying to wipe, while your quadriceps scream in anguish.  You can pee anywhere, standing up, without needing toilet paper.  So I guess you haven’t experienced that sinking feeling women get when they’ve already peed and then discover there’s no tissue.  It’s even worse when there’s no one in a neighboring stall to spare a square.  You have to rustle through your purse looking for something absorbent– a used kleenex, a minipad– once I used an old Publix receipt!”  I banged on the door for emphasis.  There was no response.

“Honey, it’s your turn,” a woman behind me said.

I went in and beheld a wondrous sight.
seatcover
The door had a hook for my purse and my coat and the door stayed locked, so I didn’t have to sit with one foot pressed against the door for privacy.  I sat comfortably and my bladder was happy again.  It was a marvelous public bathroom experience.

I don’t really want a penis swinging around between my legs.  But when it comes to the bathroom inequality situation, I have a chip on my shoulder.

Or something much bigger.

37 Comments

  • Runmt31

    I was in the airport most of the day yesterday and that burning feeling in my thighs is the worst! And the lines for the women’s restrooms were out the door, ugh! men have no idea

  • Kayl

    When my husband and I went to a local casino for our anniversary, I had the most fabulous public restroom experience of my life. The toilet seats were sheathed in a tube of seat liner, that AUTOMATICALLY RETRACTED and was replaced with a fresh one when the toilet was flushed. And of course, it automatically flushed when you stood up to exit the stall. Glorious.

  • Joy East of theKingdom

    Aren’t there any FEMALE architechs out there that can rectify this? Everyone knows it’s a problem! There should be two women’s facilities for every one men’s room.

    And then men have the audacity to complain “what took you so long?” when you get back from the ladies room!

    Sheesh!

  • Keith

    I was informed of this female predicament by my wife and daughter!! Many is the time I’ve been the guard at the men’s room door!! I’ve also guarded the door when a female, in the same position as you were, asks if she can PLEASE use the men’s room because the ladies line is too long. Just know that not all us men are as uncouth and rude as that buttmunch was. I’m surprised you didn’t get a round of applause after you finished telling him off!!

  • Lauren

    What a twerpy teenager! Men just don’t understand what we go through to use the bathroom in public places. And they wonder why it takes us so long! It’s all the squatting and holding the door and juggling the purse and jacket. Good for you for putting that kid in his place!

  • mom2ameliaB

    I swanee, that kid deserved the tongue-lashing you gave him. His parents should get a mouthful too for raising such a rude little piss ant! Good for you! I hope you shared this incident with the boys to illustrate to them how not to behave.

  • Karin B

    I’ll drink to that! However, I did hear that some woman was arrested for going to a men’s room at a football game.

  • The Woman Using the Can After You

    Ladies, I’m with you in spirit, but can we all acknowledge the fact that the seats would be a lot cleaner if you would just wipe it off and SIT on it? It’s all the splattering from the squatters that makes a ladies room disgusting.

  • Belinda

    In my mind’s eye, that kid hid, hunkered down in a stall, in that bathroom for a LONG time, making sure you were gone before he came back out!

  • Barbara

    Hurray for you!

    What woman on the face of the earth, that goes out in public doesn’t share this “chip”?

    I have had the sensation that my eyes would float out of my head!!!

  • Tracy

    When I grow up, I want to be able to tell it like it is–actually SAY things to people in public– just like Anne does. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Elmo

    As long as the Law says ( as you well know) that a Man can be arrested for going into the Women’s Bathroom ( Indecent Exposure etc.)- for the sake of fairness – keep out . Why don’t you advocate unisex bathrooms ? Oh sure you would. Right.
    I can imagine the holy hell these writers would unleash – if a Man showed up in their Public Bathroom. Ah, those damn double standards again….

  • Kristine

    What irks me the most is that if all the women would just sit down, we wouldn’t have to hang over a pee laden seat. Penn and Teller did a show about germs and there are more germs on your hand and face than there are on your hindend.

    I actually saw a woman on that short lived “American Inventor” show who had a small device she made that you could keep in your purse that would act as a lock on most stalls and hold a pocket sized package of tissues. She didn’t win, but MAN I wish I knew what she used to make that thing.

  • tiff

    On top of all that, now that I have a child, I am discovering all of these places that don’t have changing tables in the bathrooms. Infuriating.

  • KLee

    What a jerk that guy was. At least here we have toilets with seats, unlike your sojourn in Africa! I could imagine the seething if you had had to wait in line for a hole in the floor. 🙂

    Yeah, it’s a double standard, Elmo. How about this — when women get equal pay as men for doing the same job, then we’ll call the whole “using the wrong toilet” thing even, ‘kay?

    Besides, whether you agree with women using the men’s room or not, it’s just common decency to let the heavily pregnant woman go if there’s no one else using the facilities. And if you STILL don’t agree, we’ll have an infant kick you in the kidneys for three hours, and maybe you’ll reconsider.

  • Jeanne

    You go, Girl! I’m so glad you let him have it and didn’t just give him the dirty look he probably would’ve gotten from me (and promptly ignored). I’m so bad about coming up with an adequate response when faced with such bold-faced rudeness. It’s usually hours later when I’m still steaming over the incident that I say “Damn! I shoulda said…..!”

  • Karyn

    What. A. Jerkass.

    I wish I could’ve been there, Glamore. We could’ve barricaded his circle-jerking ass in the “right” bathroom until he learned something.

    Little bastard.

    You go, girl.

  • Daph-

    Am delurking. Found you through my friend BooMama. Not a blogger; just a blog reader.

    Please stop making me laugh out loud at work!

  • Shell

    Have you ever seen the toilets in Japan? It looks like a urinal laid on its back with a footprint on either side of it. I had no idea how to work the whole thing without tipping over or inadverdently peeing on my pants – whilst holding jacket and purse out of the way with one hand stretched out to ensure the door would not fly open. Which is why the one stall labeled “Western Toilet” had a pretty long line…

  • Adrian

    Brilliant post, Anne. Why bother to wipe though if you’ve only been to pee?

    As for penis envy, take it from this guy that there are as many drawbacks as there are advantages to having a penis. I’d be glad you’re a lady.