Glamorous Escapades,  Music: Give Me A Beat!

Music Festival Review: Top Five Offbeat Observations From My Three Sons

1. Drew: Mom usually doesn’t mind when Porter picks up junk off the ground because he does that everywhere, but she really freaked out when she realized he was carrying this empty bottle.

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She told us it was called Jagermeister.  She said Jagermeister is an energy drink for animals and the bottle probably had horse germs so Porter had to put it down immediately.  When she said that Daddy started snorting and I saw a booger moving up and down in his nose.  There was a picture of a deer on the label of the bottle, but I didn’t see any animals at the concert.  Well, I saw crawfish, but they were dead and people were eating them.

2. Finn: My brothers and I were at the Chick-fil-A tent getting dinner while Mom bought our drinks.  I saw her talking to a man while she was at the Budweiser tent buying my dad a beer.   I think the man was trying to flirt with her.  I told Daddy, “That man is trying to put the moves on our Mom.”  We got our chicken nuggets and ran over there and I was right!  I heard the man say, “When you said you were here with lots of baggage, I thought you meant the emotional kind, not your husband and kids.” Mom got all red in the face and looked really happy to see Daddy.

3. Porter:  Mommy took me and Drew way up close to the front of the stage but Finn and Daddy didn’t want to go because there were so many people all squinched together.  The ugly guy who sings for Hinder had ladies’ bras hanging from his microphone.  I asked Mommy why and she said they were decoration.  I thought bras were just to cover up girls’ bosoms.  If they can be decorations I think we should put them on our Christmas tree because that would be funny.

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4. Drew:  When we were waiting for Akon to sing this boy and this girl right in front of us started kissing each other really hard.  They were smushing their faces together and sticking their tongues out.  I asked Mom if they were going to make a baby and she said she thought so.  I think they heard us because they stopped kissing and looked at us and said we were cute.  Then they walked away a little bit and I saw the girl smoking a cigarette.  Smoke came out her nose like the dragon in Shrek but the guy kissed her anyway.  He must be her boyfriend.

5. Finn: My dad was really excited to see the Spin Doctors because they were the only band he’d ever heard of, because he’s like, more into sports.  He calls Akon “Acorn” and Mom says, “Honey, you sound like a redneck when you say that.”

When the Spin Doctors started playing the singer starting doing this weird kicking thing with his leg.  My mom said it would have been a better move if he didn’t look so old.  She said if he was going to jump around like he was twenty years old he should at least dye his beard ’cause it’s going gray.  We weren’t that close to him and I could tell he had more gray hair than my dad.

Mom told us we could only write about five things.  But I wanted to say that my brothers and I got to climb up this cool rock wall.

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Later I heard Mom tell my brothers that she hoped they had a good time because all she did was hold them up so they could see the stage while she stared at their bottoms.  I think she was getting a little crotchety.

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Then we all went home.

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