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August 16, 2007

A Venn Diagram, The Union Of Which Is A Joke

Two completely unrelated topics have been on my mind lately, but last night I realized that if I were to make a Venn diagram of them just for kicks, the intersecty part would contain a joke that my mother used to tell.

It’s fiery hot here.  The temperature has been above 100 for nine days in a row, breaking all sorts of records and launching the weathermen into a state of frenzied excitement about the milestone.  We watch wearily, dripping sweat and praying for a balmy 95 degree day.

Speaking of fire, Bill took the boys to get their soccer uniforms and the Bananarama remake of the Shocking Blue song “Venus” came on the radio.  My genitally-obsessed boys came home singing “I’m your penis, I’m your fire…” until I told them I saw enough penises on a daily basis and did not want to hear about them in song.

There’s been some chatter on various blogs lately about Southern accents, and I confess that I have one.  My boys learned to say “milk” as a two-syllable word (“mee-ulk”) and it wasn’t until someone remarked on it that I thought to monitor their conversations and prevent them from sounding completely Deliverance-like, although we can do that if you want.  I’ve also been told I do a mean imitation of Carley, Will Ferrell’s wife in Talladega Nights, and I must say, I’m not really acting when I say, “Y’all come to dinner! I’ve been slavin’ over this food!”

Really, I suppose that MetroDad would be the best judge of the thickness of my accent, as he was gracious enough to take the boys and me to lunch when we were in New York recently.  Once we sized each other up and determined that neither of us was an axe murderer and we were, in fact, both music-listening, New Yorker reading, grammar-fanatic foodie travel parent bloggers, we had a wonderful time.

Alternatively you could check out our movie again and see if I sound more like Scarlett or like an anchorwoman (albeit one who finds a nasty surprise in her bed).

All this musing on penises and Southern accents compelled me to construct my first ever non-required Venn diagram.

scan0013

Figure 1 demonstrates that the part I told you about the heat was merely informative and not crucial to the column.  But still– 104 degrees.  I thought you should know.

Next you see that the union (that’s the part where the circles overlap) of penis talk and southern accents is my mom’s joke.

Most of you didn’t know my mom.  Her picture is in this post.  More importantly, you must know that she had a classic Southern accent, and dropped her r’s, so that the word “bard” would sound more like “bahhd” and it would take her a while to say it.

My Mom’s Joke
(told for years after the event had dropped from public consciousness):

Mom: (giggling naughtily at the Thanksgiving table) “Do you know what John Wayne Bobbitt said when his new girlfriend wanted to make love?”

Family: (shocked that Mom would say “make love” )”No, what did he say?”

Mom: (drawling more than ever) “He said, ‘I’d love to honey, but it’s haahhhd to get haahhd when your dick’s in the yaahhd.'”

That was the only joke I ever heard her tell, but Lord, she loved to tell it.

Posted by Anne Glamore @ 5:04 pm • Blast From the Past,Mom   

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13 Responses to “A Venn Diagram, The Union Of Which Is A Joke”

  1. First of all, your mom’s joke is hilarious. Everyone needs to be able to tell at least one good joke. I’m glad that’s hers!

    And for the record, you have a very charming Southern accent. It’s not thick at all. It’s very coothing and lilting. Like a cool glass of Southern lemonade.

    By the way, Tiny Kingdom readers, you’ll be glad to know that Ms. Anne Glamore is as awesomely cool in person as she is on this blog. I’m almost 100% positive that she’s not an axe murderer!

  2. Haha! little bits of randomness coming together in a neat mathmatical expression – you’re not the only geeky mom here, Anne. We also can’t seem to dip back down to double digits, but at least with the drought it isn’t as humid to add to our woes.

    I’m heading home north for a few weeks, and my family is already teasing me what 18 months has done to my accent. I’ll be an eh-sayer for a while, and then it’s back to droppin’ mah gees and other various southern offences. Hah!

  3. About two years ago we took a road trip once again up north all the way to Mayne and crossed over to Quebec,loved it. I noticed my so Southern husband (grandparents from mom’s side were from south Alabama)was a little uncomfortable as we had breakfast at the same table with very nice people from Vermont somewhere in Bar Harbor area.However, he got into a conversation with them anyway about something safe like Alabama football. As they listened to him they couldn’t believe he had lived in the South all his life. My “bless his heart” husband explained that us Tiny Kingdom people don’t have it as bad, as another man from Pennsylvania very seriously looked at him and said, “there is nothing wrong with a Southern accent”. Southerners need to stop apologizing for their accents.

    I loved your mother’s joke, sounded like one of my mother-in-law jokes that she would tell with a bright red face as it was close to 100F then too. This weather is frightening.

  4. Love it! I have 2 boys and they are all about the penis. I feel your pain about the heat, I am 3 hours south of you and cooking in my own juices. Never thought I would see the day that we would be so desperate for rain and a break from the heat that people would be hoping for a little tropical action.

  5. Oh my gosh, I just watched the video for the first time. It’s so funny! I love the boys’ dance moves!

    How did the triathlon go last weekend?

  6. I’m glad to see that the toasty (oppressive) heat and humidity (outdoor sauna) haven’t taken away your wonderful sense of humor.

    Have a nice weekend!

  7. rofl… I am delighted by your mother’s joke – cannot wait to share it with my mother this weekend as we get out of our heat and up into the mountains for a well deserved break (hoping she handles the altitude okay, she had heart surgery last year and hasn’t been to altitude yet)… my mother will just roar at the entire story!

    p.s. — Coloradans have no accent at all, except as my daughter will point out, we do say warsh (wash) and crik (creek) but that only weird old natives say that, and most people do not and I should find a way to stop sounding strange!

  8. Love the joke. LOVE. IT.

    And the heat? I finally had to tell my hubby to shut the hell up about it. He walks around all day, “sure is hot today” or “you think it’s hotter today than it was yesterday?” or, my favorite, said this am as he was exiting the bathroom, “gonna be a hot one today, babe”. Aaaaagggrrrrhhh! Stop it with the hot talk! All it does is make me sweat more. And the fact that our thermostat is reading 78 degrees in the heat (that word again) of the afternoon isn’t helping. And our poor A/C unit? I can’t even talk about it. It’s a miracle that thing hasn’t just thrown in the towel and said, “To hell with it, I’m moving up North where I can get a break every now and then”. I told the hubs that I have even noticed that the massive groups of bikers that ride through our neighborhood on a daily basis look hot and cranky…..and you know those people are machines!!!!! I think I’m going to take my lunch break and head to the bookstore where they keep it at a nice cool 65 degrees (365 days a year, at that!).

  9. That joke is great!! I love it!!

    I have a few words that I’d like to share that my hubby AND his mother go really heavy on the southern accent…

    Towel pronounced Tal (short “a” like in apple)
    Police pronounced Poe leez
    Valentine’s day is Valentimes day….
    and my least fave:
    Walmart MIL cannot get this right- for her it is “Wawl Marks”

  10. I’m from the “American by birth, Southern by the grace of God” group. I can’t imagine living anywhere other than right here with my accent, 100 degree heat, and the wonderful humidity. Except maybe the beach. 🙂

    But seriously, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. Nowhere are the people as great as Alabama.

  11. I’m with Kathy. After spending most of my teens and twenties trying to sound like one of those nondescript talking heads on the news, I finally embraced my true nature and resumed dragging out rs and dropping gs with wild abandon. I was even picked out by a fellow Alabamian while shopping at a tiny little gift shop in Kauai. She said, “You must be from Alabama. I’d recognize those flat vowels anywhere.” Gotta love it! Also, the fact that you remember what a Venn diagram is and can apply it in a funny/interesting manner just puts you on a much higher pedestal than I already had you.

  12. Hm. I’m a Bostonian. I’d figure you’d have a southern accent… because, oh, I don’t know, you’re from the south. I think it’s nice. I do rally against the Bwostin accent because it grates on my nerves so much when I hear it at the dinner table – kawn on the kawb, noo yawk, double a bat’rees, hahvid yahd, tayoter camry.
    But then I’ll hear the announcers over the loudspeaker at fenway and my heart goes all warm and fuzzy and I stop droppin’ my ahs and geeze an next thing ya know, I sound just like a bwostin gerl attendin’ hahvid.

    (I’m confident you can’t be an axe murderer; you haven’t the time.)

    (And that Bananarama song – penis – omigosh. rofl.)

  13. […] been a while since I did a Venn diagram for you, and I’m not sure I can end it all with a penis joke as I did last time. I’ll […]

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I'm Anne Glamore, wife, mother, lawyer and blogger. I have three boys, and I'm desperately trying to train them to become Southern gentlemen, but that may be an unrealistic goal. At this point I'd be ecstatic if they'd quit farting at the dinner table. If you're new here, check out the Readers' Favorite Posts below or browse through the Categories. I write about my attempts to teach the boys about peckers and sex (which we call "making googly eyes"), my struggles with hepatitis C and spine surgery, the boys' adventures with fire and pets, my mom's death from ovarian cancer, my love of cooking (with plenty of recipes) and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me on Twitter or StumbleUpon or Email me. I'm happy to speak to your group or club.

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