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October 21, 2007

My Mac Daddy And Me

When Drew asked me what a Mac Daddy was, I was stunned by the question, but I swiftly recovered and said confidently, “A Mac Daddy is a man who dresses in fancy suits and plays drums in a jazz band.”  Drew and I hadn’t had the sex talk yet, and I saw no reason to enlighten him about the world of pimps and whores.

“Could he play the bass instead of the drums?” Drew asked hopefully.  He’s been taking bass lessons for three months and is learning to accompany Porter on the first verse of “Free Fallin’.”  They’re improving, though slowly.

“Of course he can,” I said.  Although I’d originally defined a Mac Daddy as a drummer, there was no reason he couldn’t play the bass, the tuba, or the ukulele for that matter.

Later I heard Drew practicing his bass, and I went downstairs to gauge his progress.  While earlier Drew had been in his soccer uniform, he’d traded this in for full Mac Daddy regalia– a black velvet suit and hat with leopard trim.  He’d tucked some Monopoly money into his hat brim, and the bills trembled with each pluck of the strings.  The clothing was fit to be worn only by Prince in concert or a pimp on his rounds, certainly not by a third grader practicing his guitar.

“Whoa.  That is some fancy outfit,” I said slowly, wondering why I hadn’t thought to ask Drew earlier about his sudden interest in Mac Daddies.  “Where’d that come from?”

“Party City,” Drew said.  “I decided not to be a Ninja this year because I’ve been one for like five years, and then I saw this costume and I asked Daddy if I could get it and he said he didn’t care what I got as long as it fit and we made a decision in less than five seconds and I tried it on and it was my size.  Porter got a scary costume that pumps real blood but it was too big for me and I decided I liked this one better anyway because I could wear a suit more places than a bloody mask.”

When I was back upstairs fixing dinner, I thought about the previous day.  Bill and I had a whole list of errands to run, and he took the boys with him to Home Depot and then Party City for Halloween costumes while I went to buy new towels and groceries.  I had been ecstatic to score the Publix run in lieu of the tortuous Halloween costume outing.

Party City has an obnoxious, complicated system, in which hyperactive children view a huge board with pictures of all the available costumes, select just one (with extreme difficulty) and scream their choice to their parents.  The parent memorizes the code that corresponds to the desired ensemble, then joins the line to retrieve the costume.

The code is important– you can’t request “The red Ninja in a Child’s Small, please”– you must instead ask for “TX329278 in a Child’s Small” and hope for the best.

The parent relays the code to a bored employee, who conveys it to someone in the warehouse, and the crowd gathers with anticipation to learn the results.  Is the Viking
available in a 3T, or only a Child’s Medium?  If the child’s size isn’t in stock, as is often the case, the weeping kid must be escorted back to the pictures to make another choice and go through the entire grueling process again.

Experienced mothers might check their children out of school to avoid the crowds and lower the stress level of the event, and would remember to bring pen and paper for recording codes and sizes.  Only a first-timer would show up in the middle of a Saturday with multiple children expecting a painless, or even pleasant, experience.  Bill was a virgin Halloween costume buyer.

That night after errands were finished, Bill and I went out for gimlets, and he complained about the crowds at Party City, the difficulty he had persuading Porter to commit to a costume, and the lack of available sizes.  But he failed to mention that the situation was so desperate that he allowed Drew to choose a pimp suit and Porter an outfit that apparently squirted blood, and that I still hadn’t seen.

I’ve braved the Party City nightmare multiple times, but have I returned with sex slaves and dripping carcasses?  Of course not.  I’ve nixed all requests for even vaguely inappropriate costumes, and have purchased every Ninja costume available over the past decade.

ninjas

When Bill got home from work, I asked him what the hell he was thinking letting Drew purchase a pimp outfit.  He looked at me, confused, and said, “Honey, Party City kicked my ass.  I don’t know what costumes we bought.”

Bill was simply beaten down by the crowds and chaos at Party City, and escaped with the first costume he could obtain that both satisfied and fit the costumee.  He was astounded to learn that he’d purchased a pimp suit and a bloody mask, and not very penitent either.

“It was a circus in there,” he said.  “We’ll just tell Drew he can’t wear a pimp suit for Halloween and make him think of something else.  He can wear those old overalls and tie a bandanna to a stick and be a hobo.”

The problem with that approach, obviously, was that I had already told Drew that a Mac Daddy was a musician, not a pimp, and he’s been donning his velvet suit every time he practices the bass.  He also asked if he could wear his new suit to his guitar lesson the following day.  I’d refused based on the weather, pointing out that it was going to be 89 degrees and that velvet was traditionally considered a cold weather fabric.

We have little more than a week to go before Halloween, and I’m having difficulty sleeping.  If my doorbell rang and I opened the door to see a tiny pimp politely asking for candy, I’d think dark, condemning thoughts about the mother who let her son out of the house dressed so inappropriately.

Can a pimp who thinks he’s a musical Mac Daddy go trick-or-treating in the Tiny Kingdom without raising eyebrows?   Will the entire Glamore family suffer social repercussions?

Perhaps I’ll put on some black fishnet hose, stilettos, and dig up a slinky black dress of questionable taste.  I’ll top it all off with bright lipstick and gaudy jewelry and I’ll accompany Drew on his Halloween rounds.  My Mac Daddy and me– we’ll show the Kingdom how Halloween is done.

mac2

Posted by Anne Glamore @ 11:54 am • Boys: Demented & Dangerous,Faux Pas,Inventions, Creations, Experiments   

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36 Responses to “My Mac Daddy And Me”

  1. This was very, very entertaining. But I want to know why a pimp costume is even being sold in a kid size? You could probably pass it off as a zoot suit.

    BTW, I love the monopoly money in the brim.

  2. Man, if you go dressed up as Drew’s trick, I will fly to the Tiny Kingdom for Halloween to take pictures. And laugh.

  3. […] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerptBill and I had a whole list of errands to run, and he took the boys with him to Home Depot and then Party City for Halloween costumes while I went to buy new towels and groceries. I had been ecstatic to score the Publix run in lieu of … […]

  4. You could explain that he was dressed as Brian Seltzer. Get ready for a 80’s flashback. He was the guitar player in band, The Stray Cats. He now has his own swing band, The Brian Seltzer Orchestra and dress like this!

  5. Have him wear the guitar- then he’s just a musician. Musician’s can get away with anything. Trust me- I nearly married one.

  6. Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at this! *grin* That’s just great!

    And I have to agree with your hubs – Party City kicks *my* butt too! It’s a swimming vortex of energy sucking madness, and we’ve been in twice without any decision on the part of our 2 year old daughter. *sigh*

    You COULD go with Laura’s suggestion of having him bring the guitar as well…just don’t let him tell anyone he’s a Mac Daddy. *grin* Of course, if you DO go as his “trick” (that IS what they call them, right?), you HAVE to post pictures, I mean, it’s just a requirement and all! *grin*

  7. Makes me happy we are stuck ordering from the internet. I have never seen a party city, I will have to add it to the list of places to visit (durring the school day).. Good Luck with the coustume.. I say keep the money, shows character..

  8. Party City is the devil! That place will eat you alive. Thank goodness for eBay! I did Party City once, but have been a devoted eBay costume shopper since.

    I have to agree that taking the bass along trick-or-treating will likely make the costume seem less street corner and more rock-n-roll. Just make sure he leaves the Monopoly money at home. If I recall correctly Chris Robinson from The Black Crowes wore a similar outfit on tour one year.

  9. This is easy to fix

    Turn it into a Mad Hatter costume from Alice in wonderland that way “people will know who he is”

  10. I was going to suggest The Mad Hatter, too. Either that or make him a cardboard Prince guitar, the one that’s that crazy symbol thing. If he says he’s Prince, no one will think twice.

  11. I think if you lose the money and add the guitar, you’ll probably be able to keep your good name, haha!

    One more reason I’m glad we don’t trick or treat!

  12. I just love how you explain tricky subject matter to your boys; I hope to emulate you one day, since this is just the sort of thing I expect my husband to do in the future. *sigh*

    I think as long as he doesn’t have a fake old tooth or large, gold tipped cane to go along with the rest of the outfit, no one will immediately think “pimp” when he rings the doorbell. Of course, you could always get him those huge 70’s walking shoes (think Austin Powers) and have him be … Austin Powers. Rowr!

  13. FUNNIEST POST EVER!!!!!!!

    But what made it the best was the picture of Drew – That is one pimpin’ costume!!!

  14. We have a general rule, Party City by September 20th, or we go without their use of costumes. For real, you can get in there easily then, no hassle, and the staff are still friendly.

    Add the guitar, have him go as Brian Seltzer, and everyone will be happy. Proves to you, men are worthless without us.

  15. I have done the Party City nightmare myself, many many times. This year, eldest daughter will be driving herself to Party City, as I am no longer a victim of this cruel abuse.

    Last year, however, my son wanted a pink fuzzy hat, not unlike Drew’s only, well…pink. I knew what it was on sight, and oooh that boy wanted it. I told him he could have it if he would dress up as a cupcake. He agreed. I bought him a round laundry basket, cut the bottom out and did my best to make him look like a cupcake, complete with pink frosting that matched the pink fuzzy hat. He ditched the laundry basket the minute he was out of my sight, and spent the rest of the night pimpin’, as his sister told me later.

    Ah well. I guess he knows more than I thought he did.

  16. OMG. I think I just peed myself reading this. that is too damn funny. I would kick my husbands ass! But um…in the 7th grade my friends and I went dressed up as whores. We thought it was funny.

  17. this is right up there with some of the funniest yet. I was ok with a wide grin til I got to the photo of the Pimp Suit – they I had a full gut guffaw. Thanks! And good luck explaining to him what a real Mac Daddy is. Oh, and thank’s for cluing me in – I didn’t know they were called Mac Daddy either. You could cover the leopard areas with red silk and stick a stuffed bunny in the hat and he could be a magician.

  18. I had no idea they sold tiny pimp costumes; that was a revelation. Yikers.

  19. I say lose the cash in the brim and it’s fine. As long as he doesn’t know that it was meant to be a pimp, maybe he won’t find out?

    Oh. And it’s Brian Setzer, not Seltzer. That’s a fizzy water beverage, not a musician.

  20. I say have him bring his guitar and pass him off as a crazy rocker!!

  21. If you do decide to play up the Mac Daddy angle, try to recruit a few of your friends as fellow “tricks”. It wouldn’t be fair to ask a Mac Daddy to go out without a full stable when he’s looking so fly.

  22. WOW – that explains everything.

    The difference between men and women, the crazy kids, the “tween years” and letting them be themselves (within reason), the commercialism of holidays, the spoiling of our kids, EVERYTHING! You wrapped it all up. I’m SO THERE!

    Love visiting with you daily.

  23. Hilarious! Save the photos, it will be great to clue him in in a few years.

  24. He kinda looks Kid Rock or Slash from Motley Crue…you could have him be a rockstar…he could probably even keep the money!

  25. Oh my!! Thanks for the laugh! And for the reminder why I order the costumes online!

  26. I just found your blog today and am hooked! :)I wanted to comment on an older post that mentioned Rumaki (water chestnuts wrapped in bacon) to see if you had a good recipe for it. I’ve been obsessed with finding a good recipe for Rumaki for years.

    Definitely go for the Rock Star angle on the costume. 😉

  27. Oh boy, when my son was little we used to get all these Halloween costume catalogs in the mail starting in July. I went to Party City a few times too, last time in the spring looking for a Shakespeare costume for Shakespeare day at school (didn’t have any of course).I found their costumes very cheaply made. Your son looks awesome!! He will be a great hit in the Tiny Kingdom!

  28. Woah.

    I’m SO linking your blog to mine.

    Fantastic post.

    Sincerely,
    A sista in pain.

  29. That’s a great tale about tail!! I’m like Shell, I didn’t know Party City sold pimp costumes for boys. I wonder what the ho outfits look like. Maybe Drew could go with one of those cute little label hos from the Tiny Kingdom. Otherwise, the Brian Setzer theme might be more socially acceptable, just add earrings and fake tatoos.

  30. Lake lurker — You were wondering about the “ho” costumes, and what they looked like? Just go to any store that’s currently carrying Halloween costumes, and look for ANYTHING at all marketed for tween (and older) girls. They all pretty much scream “ho.”

    Oh, and thank you to the person who corrected Brian Setzer’s name. That was making me mental. (I’m anal about stuff like that.)

    Anne, I think the idea that Drew should take along a guitar, and go as a “musician” is a sound one. My only caveat is that I would either purchase or make him a cardboard cutout of the guitar, rather than taking his own, very expensive one. Plus, that’ll get heavy after a while.

    That being said, if you decide to accompany him as arm candy, we MUST have photographic evidence! 🙂

  31. OMG, i don’t know who you are, but am i glad i found you! the “sex talk” post made me cry i was laughing so hard. i will have to reread to take notes!! i WILL be back so i can learn more about you and send everyone i know here too!

  32. THE TINY KINGDOM ROOSTER has a fake guitar that Drew can borrow.

  33. I haven’t ever laughed so hard at a blog post as I did yours today! Thanks, it felt great!

    I, too, live in “The Tiny Kingdom” and would love to see a mini-Pimp come to my door. Too bad that I am going to be out of town this Halloween… : (

  34. He’s Bootsy Collins of course! BASS player… Parliament…. P-funk

  35. I love the way you write. I can “hear” a proper southern accent when I read your stories.

  36. I’m laughing so hard my poor husband asked if I was ok. Yeah, dress up as a tart…make sure the bass player takes his instrument, and you carry a mic. 🙂

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I'm Anne Glamore, wife, mother, lawyer and blogger. I have three boys, and I'm desperately trying to train them to become Southern gentlemen, but that may be an unrealistic goal. At this point I'd be ecstatic if they'd quit farting at the dinner table. If you're new here, check out the Readers' Favorite Posts below or browse through the Categories. I write about my attempts to teach the boys about peckers and sex (which we call "making googly eyes"), my struggles with hepatitis C and spine surgery, the boys' adventures with fire and pets, my mom's death from ovarian cancer, my love of cooking (with plenty of recipes) and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me on Twitter or StumbleUpon or Email me. I'm happy to speak to your group or club.

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