It was time to give Drew the sex talk. If you’ve been reading, you’ll remember that he’s been showing signs of readiness. He snickers whenever he hears the word “sex,” which is often in today’s society. He giggled when he saw that his hospital wristband contained the words “age/sex” as part of its identifying information.
We drained the pond at the Auburn house last week, and it’s been dredged and treated with chemicals to kill the existing fish so it can be restocked. All three boys were wading through gloppy red mud, filling dead carp with BB holes, when Drew began taunting Finn.
“Porter and I came out of Mommy’s tummy, but you came out of her lady parts!” he yelled, then laughed so hard a snot bubble came out his nose, according to Finn, who reported the incident to me immediately after they returned to the house.
For Finn, the final straw came that night when the boys were upstairs getting ready for bed and Drew asked Finn, “Have you ever had sex?” with a mischievous gleam in his eye.
“Sex means if you’re a girl or a boy,” Porter said with a mouthful of toothpaste fuzz, and for once Finn was glad to have Porter’s input.
“Seriously, Mom, I think you’ve got to tell him something,” Finn told me. “What if he starts asking my friends if they’re having sex?”
So the next morning, I called Drew in from outside where he’d been assiduously destroying cinder blocks with a hammer just because they were there.
“Hey honey, do you know what ‘sex’ means?” I asked.
“Well, it means that a mom and a dad get naked in bed and kiss and make googly eyes to make a baby,” I said, deciding that premarital and recreational sex were off the table for the third-grade crowd. So was sex on the pool table, the living room floor or in the handicapped bathroom.
Drew’s pale face grew red.
“Do you know how moms and dads make babies?” I asked.
“Do you want to know?”
Damn. I had polished up my speech and practiced my coital finger movements, but I was being asked not to perform. I was a bit disappointed.
“Okay, but when you decide you want to know, don’t ask Finn or friends at school. It’s important that you ask me or Daddy and we’ll tell you exactly how babies are made, because we’re really good at it.”
“And don’t go around asking Finn and other people if they’ve had sex, because what you’re asking them is ‘Have you gotten married and gotten naked in bed with your wife to make a baby?'”
“I thought it was just a joke,” Drew said.
“Sex is no joke, but it’s easy to get mixed-up about. Is there anything else you want to ask me about?”
“Then head back outside.”
He did, and I exhaled. I hadn’t noticed until them how nervous I was. I’m guessing it won’t be the last time.
Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom (proof that IT NEVER STOPS): Can I Ask You A Question About Sex?