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December 10, 2007

Gutter or Stars?

I have one twin firmly planted in the gutter, while the other is looking at the stars. The weekend revealed the vast disparity between their personalities once again, as if we needed any reminding.

Bill was driving with Porter and Drew and asked them if they had any ideas about what to get me for Christmas.

“Me me me me me! I do I do I do! Call on me!” Porter screeched, waving his hand in the air wildly.

“Okay, Porter, what’s your idea?”

“An Auburn thong! She’d love it! She’d wear it every day! She doesn’t have one. She doesn’t. We should buy her one.”

Perhaps you are wondering, as Bill was, how Porter knew about thongs at all, much less a college football version.

No, Porter wasn’t in the Bible Club riding group that became obsessed with the pink thong discarded by the side of the road.

Last week I was careless with my laundry and Finn found a recreational thong while sorting the clothes. He immediately called his brothers in for an impromptu summit on the finer points of ladies’ underwear. He included an aside on feminine insanity (“Who wants to wear underwear with no butt?” and there was a rejoinder by Drew: “Indians wrapped napkins around their fronts for underwear but you could see their fannies”) before I terminated the session, repossessed the thong, and moved all my undergarments to a more secure location.

“I have an idea for Mom, but it’s different,” Drew said.

“Let’s hear it,” Bill said, fearing the worst.

“Do you know what her birthstone is?”


“Well, we could find out and then get her a necklace with her birthstone on it.”

For those of you with girls in the 8 to 9-year-old range, my advice is to let them party with Porter, (he’ll have a strict curfew) then fight to be the one who settles down with Drew.

One year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Anne Glamore’s Roundup of Little-Known Holiday Songs

Posted by Anne Glamore @ 9:30 am • Boys: Demented & Dangerous,Inventions, Creations, Experiments   

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13 Responses to “Gutter or Stars?”

  1. I hope you’ll act good and surprised when you open up that Auburn thong.

  2. “Recreational thong.” Hee hee.

    This was very entertaining, Ms Glamore. I hope you get a thong with your birthstone on it.

  3. Your son wanted to buy you a thong?! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!! Oh, that’ll come up every Christmas from now until the end of time! 🙂

  4. PRICELESS !!!

  5. We’ve gotta get these kids together! I say all the time that my oldest will be the one talking sense into my twins while they say “Loosen up!” to him. LOL

  6. LOL My kids like to pretend I don’t wear things like that. I can’t imagine them wanting to buy me one, hehe.

  7. […] now in the position of desperately needing to know what a “more secure location” for underwear is. I also want to know how you can kiss before you […]

  8. Love Drew’s idea! But I’m still trying to work out who’s going to need more therapy from Porter’s idea: him or you.
    Or maybe it’s Bill. But I’m betting Bill liked Porter’s idea at least a little!

  9. Oh, this is too funny! This could be an episode of that Disney show, “The Suite Life of Zach and Cody.”

    At any rate, both your boys sound sweet. They both wanted to get you something they thought you would use, recreational or otherwise. 🙂

  10. Beloved Mrs Glamore. . .

    1) thanks so much for you fabulous writing. you have a true gift!

    2) while we no longer live in your fine state (having moved from the magnificent village of Homewood some 1.9 years ago), our eldest daughter (age 8) still has fond memories of “her childhood” there and fully intends to marry and live in the greater Birmingham area as an adult. We’ve been informed that we may visit. While she has several suitors in the wings, Drew sounds like an appropriate prospect. We will start accepting applications and financial statements in about 12 years.

    Keep ’em coming; it’s great keeping up with everything AL, especially the Auburn / Alabama rivalry. We lived in Homewood for 7 years and were pressed to declare an allegiance after 6 years 10 months. We resisted, but not from lack of effort from our friends.

  11. I’m with your kids though. Who DOES want to wear underwear with no fannies? I am duly impressed that you do.

  12. oh please oh please have dear hubby take a picture of your face when you open that gift!

  13. […] The threat of receiving an Auburn thong for Christmas led me to do a little research on birthstone jewelry. […]

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I'm Anne Glamore, wife, mother, lawyer and blogger. I have three boys, and I'm desperately trying to train them to become Southern gentlemen, but that may be an unrealistic goal. At this point I'd be ecstatic if they'd quit farting at the dinner table. If you're new here, check out the Readers' Favorite Posts below or browse through the Categories. I write about my attempts to teach the boys about peckers and sex (which we call "making googly eyes"), my struggles with hepatitis C and spine surgery, the boys' adventures with fire and pets, my mom's death from ovarian cancer, my love of cooking (with plenty of recipes) and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me on Twitter or StumbleUpon or Email me. I'm happy to speak to your group or club.

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