Boys: Demented & Dangerous,  Inventions, Creations, Experiments

Gutter or Stars?

I have one twin firmly planted in the gutter, while the other is looking at the stars. The weekend revealed the vast disparity between their personalities once again, as if we needed any reminding.

Bill was driving with Porter and Drew and asked them if they had any ideas about what to get me for Christmas.

“Me me me me me! I do I do I do! Call on me!” Porter screeched, waving his hand in the air wildly.

“Okay, Porter, what’s your idea?”

“An Auburn thong! She’d love it! She’d wear it every day! She doesn’t have one. She doesn’t. We should buy her one.”

Perhaps you are wondering, as Bill was, how Porter knew about thongs at all, much less a college football version.

No, Porter wasn’t in the Bible Club riding group that became obsessed with the pink thong discarded by the side of the road.

Last week I was careless with my laundry and Finn found a recreational thong while sorting the clothes. He immediately called his brothers in for an impromptu summit on the finer points of ladies’ underwear. He included an aside on feminine insanity (“Who wants to wear underwear with no butt?” and there was a rejoinder by Drew: “Indians wrapped napkins around their fronts for underwear but you could see their fannies”) before I terminated the session, repossessed the thong, and moved all my undergarments to a more secure location.

“I have an idea for Mom, but it’s different,” Drew said.

“Let’s hear it,” Bill said, fearing the worst.

“Do you know what her birthstone is?”


“Well, we could find out and then get her a necklace with her birthstone on it.”

For those of you with girls in the 8 to 9-year-old range, my advice is to let them party with Porter, (he’ll have a strict curfew) then fight to be the one who settles down with Drew.

One year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Anne Glamore’s Roundup of Little-Known Holiday Songs