Boys: Demented & Dangerous,  Inventions, Creations, Experiments

Thong Gone Wrong

My fortieth birthday got lost in all the hoopla about the Writer’s Conference, the stuffed rat squirrel, and my discovery that I’d inadvertently bought Finn sexually suggestive body wash.

It may have been unnoticed here, but it was fabulously acknowledged in real life. Bill threw a party, all my best friends were invited, and I was feted in a lovely manner. Although Bill had specified “no gifts” on the invitation, several people did bring small presents, including our orthodontist, Dr. H. I was happy to see a present from him, as I assume that means he regards me as a source of everlasting revenue, and not an overburdened mother who tries to squeeze too much orthodontia into too little time.
I grew up with his wife and finally persuaded her to come to Jazzercise where we grapevine together several mornings a week, and I suspect she was the brains behind this particular celebratory item.

Aunt Lulu was in town for the party, and the next day we were cooking dinner and opening presents while the bulgogi marinated. I got to the H’s box, which was tiny, opened it and pulled out a wad of tissue paper. I had just enough time to lift out a small piece of cotton and say,”Oh look! It’s a thong!” when we heard a scream from the backyard where the boys were jumping on the trampoline. I put the thong down and wearily got up to investigate.

Finn stomped inside, and said moodily, “I only pulled his hair really gently. Like, it wouldn’t have hurt a girl. I don’t know why he has to be such a baby about everything.”

Finn was followed by Porter, who came sobbing up the steps holding the side of his head, and wailing, “He almost pulled all my hair out by the ends! He always pulls my hair!”

Drew followed, oblivious to the others. “Do you have anything that needs chopping?” he asked when he saw that dinner was in progress.

I sent Finn and Porter to their rooms, asked Drew to chop scallions, and Aunt Lulu and I poured some wine, started the rice,then played with the baby.

I called the boys to wash their hands and set the table for dinner, and Porter whizzed in, laughing hysterically. He had my thong on his head like a hat. As soon as Drew and Finn saw him, they started yelling and screaming and ran to the dining room and got more underwear out of my basket and put it on their heads. All three marched around the kitchen singing, “We got panties on our heads! We got panties on our heads!”

Aunt Lulu was horrified. Her beautiful five month old hasn’t started fondling his penis yet, or picking his nose, and here she was watching the Ladies Underwear Parade like a vision of a future she didn’t want to experience.

“Guys, no one wears ladies underwear in this house except me,” I said. “Not on your head, not on your privates, not anywhere. Drew and Finn, take the underwear off your heads and put it back in my basket!” I yelled.

“Don’t you want them to put it in the dirty clothes since it’s been on their heads?” Aunt Lulu asked, wrinkling her nose.

“She’s right, take the panties to the dirty clothes!” I commanded.

When Aunt Lulu went to her room to change the baby’s diaper, I dashed into the laundry room and retrieved my panties and deposited them into my basket of clean clothes. I mean, the boys wash their hair every night, and it’s not like I’m drowning in clean underwear.

Porter had disappeared while I was dealing with his brothers, but he’d left some evidence behind. When I got ready to serve up the plates, I saw his panda bear, Bamboo, sitting on the counter. Evidently she’s forty, AND STILL HOT!



  • Shell

    It’s so hard to convince my fellow office workers that I’m laughing about the marketing report I’m reading when it’s really all about a panda in a sexy thong.

  • mom2ameliaB

    Take comfort in knowing your children aren’t the only ones who find joy in their momma’s undergarments. My daughter, who’s going to be 3 next month, likes to wear several pairs of my panties around her neck like a life preserver. The reason for this has yet to be explained. However, just yesterday before donning her neck ring, she held up a pair of my painties and said, “Wow, that’s a big booty!” Makes me want to find a Jazzercize class up here in Etowah County. On another topic, what’s bulgogi?

  • Melissa R. Garrett

    Hee hee! I frequesntly find my toddler roaming about the house with my panties around her neck. Though I can’t say I’ve worn a thong since my work-out years. Oh the horror that would be now!

  • Leeny

    That was hilarious! Those goofy boys! Wish I’d been there to see it, heh. And that thong-wearing panda, sheesh!

  • jenevieve

    So, let me get this straight. Your *orthodontist* bought you a *thong* for your birthday? Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that close to my health care personnel.

  • Jeanne

    Undies parade? Thong-giving Orthodontist? Thong-wearing panda? What’s next in the Tiny Kingdom that will make me laugh hard enough to give my pelvic floor muscles a workout??

    I can’t wait to find out…

  • Susu

    My 12 year old, when he was about three, blurted out loud in church one morning, “Mommy, you’re wearing panties!” He really meant pantyhose, which I guess he’d never noticed me wearing. He’s also the three year old who shouted out in Macy’s ladies room, as he was in the stall with me while I was squatting over the toilet, “Mommy, you don’t have a tee-tee’er.” Boys are so much fun.

  • Vanessa

    Haha, priceless!

    Not long ago, my 8-year-old put panties around our cat’s neck and took photographs. Luckily (or not?) she used her own unmentionables for the project. And I did wash them afterward.

  • sonya

    So funny! Made the mistake recently of trying to shop for bras with my 2 yr old in tow. She tried to try them on, hanger and all. Every time I turned around, there she was, straps over her shoulders, hanger behind her neck.

  • Lin Haraway

    Sooooo weird. MY husband is Dr.H, AND he is also an orthodontist. But I promise you, he did not give you the thong. He knows nothing about them since I cannot wear them. As the hilarious comedian Margaret Smith says,”They should come with a free tube of Monistat.”

    Happy birthday! Celebrate being 40. If you had a shred of concern for what others thought about you before, now that you’re forty you can flush it right down “the loo.” Pretty fun. By the time I’m 80, I’ll probably be able to stroll down 20th in B’ham wearing only support hose.

  • Karin B

    Since we are talking about Dr. H’s, I might as well mention that our orthodontist is Dr.H. as well,but I doubt he is 40 yet. But he doesn’t look like a thong type, but maybe, just maybe I’ll ask him next time…