Music: Give Me A Beat!

Cocoa Puffs and Lady Lumps

“Mom, when can we buy Cocoa Puffs for breakfast?” Porter asked this morning, as everyone was getting ready for school. This is a common question in the Glamore household.

“When you find a nicer mom who’s willing to buy you Cocoa Puffs for breakfast,” I said, like I do almost every morning.

“That’s never gonna happen,” Porter sighed.

Talking about the cereal reminded me that I had a new song about Cocoa Puffs on my iPod. It would be fun to have a little dance party before school.

I surveyed the boys. Miraculously, everyone was completely dressed, including shoes. Their backpacks were packed, and all three were eating breakfast. We were running on time.

“Hey guys, I’ve got a cool song for you to hear,” I said. “I’ll get my iPod,” I added as I turned to get it from the bedroom.

Just then, fate intervened. There was a crash as Drew dropped his bowl of grits and burst into tears. As I threw Drew a dishtowel, Finn looked up from the table where he was perusing the lunch menu.

“Gross,” he shouted. “We’re having barbecue at school. I’m taking my lunch.”

“Me, too,” said Porter.

“Not me,” Drew sniffed. “I love love love barbecue!”

I looked at the clock. We weren’t on time any more.

“Finn and Porter, you have three minutes to make a lunch and pack it up,” I announced. “Chatty Mom will be here in four minutes. And don’t forget to clean up your breakfast.”

I stood back as Porter and Finn emptied the contents of the refrigerator onto the counter and whipped up sandwiches. Within moments, Chatty Mom honked her horn and the boys were gone. I was left in the kitchen with a cold cup of coffee and blobs of grape jelly on the counter. As I was scrubbing the jelly spots, I realized we hadn’t gotten to dance to the Cocoa Puffs song.

You may be wondering how I ended up with a song about Cocoa Puffs on my iPod. There’s a simple explanation. Last Saturday night at girls’ night, one of my friends played the new Black Eyed Peas CD, Monkey Business.

I was already familiar with “Don’t Lie” and “Don’t Phunk With My Heart.” They’re great songs, and hopefully we’ll be shaking our derrieres to at least one of them in Jazzercise soon.

As we chatted and sipped our wine, I heard a new song off the album. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the words, but I noticed that in one verse, one of the men sang about Cocoa Puffs. That caught my attention immediately. The boys beg for Cocoa Puffs every time we go to the store, but I can’t let them have chocolate for breakfast and feel like I’m a decent mother, so I’ve placed a moratorium on that particular cereal.

But singing about Cocoa Puffs would certainly be permissible. The song had an infectious beat , so I borrowed the CD to upload it to my iPod. I figured that the boys would get a kick out of singing about Cocoa Puffs even if they couldn’t eat them.

Once the boys had left for school and the dance party opportunity was over, it occurred to me that to be on the safe side, perhaps I should get on the computer and check Lyrics on Demand to make sure the song was appropriate.

So I did. I had to look at the lyrics several times. First I had to convince myself that the words I was reading were actually the song I had come to think of fondly as “The Cocoa Puffs Song.” I had to read it twice more before I found the Cocoa Puffs reference buried deep within the fifth section of the song.

The song wasn’t about Cocoa Puffs at all. It was about sex, and lots of it. It included phrases such as:

“what you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?” and

“My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps (check it out)” and

“I mix your milk with my Cocoa Puff.”

It took me a while to recover from the shock of seeing the lyrics written out. I cringed at the thought of how close I had come to blasting the song in the kitchen during our morning meal.

When I had finished cussing myself for being an idiot as well as a bad mom, I used my skills as an English major to analyze the lyrics dealing specifically with Cocoa Puffs. I concluded that the singer was not talking about cereal at all, but was speaking metaphorically.

Now, you might be more worried about the “junk in the trunk” lyrics than the cereal lyrics, but we’re way ahead of you in the Glamore family. The phrase “junk in the trunk” has been around for quite a while, and we’ve encountered it in otherwise perfectly appropriate songs before.

The first time the Finn asked me about the phrase, I decided not to lie, but not to exactly tell the truth, either. That is why the twins, at least, still believe that “junk in the trunk” refers to jumper cables, umbrellas, smelly athletic shoes, improperly folded maps, and the baseball glove you’ve been looking for and need for this afternoon’s practice.

Finn bought the explanation for a long time, but then wondered why everyone always talked about Jennifer Lopez having junk in the trunk when he never even saw her driving. He pointed out that she was always walking the red carpet wearing a fancy dress, with no car or jumper cables in sight. Faced with his logic, I let him in on the true meaning of the phrase, and swore him to secrecy.

What a close call! I cannot fathom how I would have explained “lovely lady lumps” and the rest of the words to three inquisitive boys so early in the morning. I have spent much of the day thanking God for the fact the cafeteria was serving barbecue today, or I would have been in a hell of a mess.

We’re going to stay far, far away from Cocoa Puffs and Black Eyed Peas until I recover.

To analyze the Cocoa Puffs song (otherwise known as “My Humps,” which should have clued me in, and surely would have if I had consumed more coffee before proposing the dance party), click here.